Like this:

“Checking in today?” an über-polite attendant asks as I pull up to the security checkpoint of a five star resort.

“Yes, under Kim Palacios,” I confirm with subdued politesse.

Beaming cheerfully as he scans his list, his smile grows impossibly brighter when he finds my name.

“Welcome to the resort, Ms. Palacios.  If you drive up the hill and follow signs to reception, our front desk staff will check you in.”

I thank him, of course, with as enthusiastic a smile as I can muster, and prepare to be on my way.

“Enjoy your stay!” he sings after me, his itchy hand already worrying the walkie-talkie on his desk.

I pass the half-mile drive in abject fear, knowing the next 15 minutes will find me herded, tugged, and talked at by a small army of hotel staff hell-bent on providing “good service”.  My suspicions are confirmed as a kettle of uniformed attendants smile salaciously at my approach.

“Welcome to the resort, Ms. Palacios,” the first one says, reaching for the door of my still-moving car.

A second pops my trunk, while a clipboard-adorned third grins at me from the landing.  I am so busy bracing myself for the assault that I have no time to curse these misguided attempts at customer service.  And, it is too late for flight.  The vultures have descended.

You know what I’m talking about, because it’s happened to you.  The hefty premium you pay to experience the most dazzling destinations in the grandest style is undermined by tranquility-stealing moments such as these.  The resorts, of course, are attempting to show you how astutely they can anticipate your needs.  Yet, if your need is to relax, these predatory practices are doomed fall flat.

Here are a few winning practices that are not as universal as they should be, examples of their worst offenders, and honorable mentions to the resorts that don’t fall into the trap:

Winning Practice #1:  Don’t assume that I want help.  I may have a good reason for wanting to carry my own bag, park my own car, make my own arrangements, or exercise any other counterintuitive little quirk.  In other cases, I do want help, but would appreciate space around accepting it.  Resorts that provide great service stay true to the concept of offering—help is yours because you choose to take it, not because they are staunch about giving it.  Predatory offenders:  the car valet/bellman duo.  Some pointers for vultures:  wait for instructions for what to take and what not to take before pulling stuff out of my car.  Kudos to:  Solage Calistoga, for a relaxed guest intake process.

Winning Practice #2:  Don’t assume that I need my ego stroked.  While some people want most to be fawned over, others want most to be left alone.  The best resorts employ staff members that not only have a good intuitive sense for which they are dealing with, but who take cues and adjust quickly to non-verbal feedback from guests.  Worst offenders:  people who wander over randomly to “make sure I am enjoying my stay”.  Some pointers for vultures:  only come over if you are sure I would relish the attention, or if you are sure the attention is not interruptive.  Kudos to: The Peninsula Chicago, for keeping superfluous interactions to a minimum.

Winning Practice #3:  Curb your wait staff.  Just because my drink is almost empty doesn’t mean I am ready to order another one.  Just because my water glass isn’t filled to the brim doesn’t mean I need more.  Same goes for dumping the one cigarette butt in my ashtray, swiping the three breadcrumbs off of my table cloth, and making ordering decisions when I’ve had the menu in my hand for less than two minutes.  The best resorts provide a stress-free environment for enjoying food, drink, and conversation.  Worst offenders:  restaurants with overly-specialized staff (e.g., waiter, food-runner, bus person, bread person, water person, etc.) or too many people to know when guests are over-attended.  Some pointers for vultures:  if I’m still chewing, I’m not done.  Kudos to:  Four Seasons Maui, for employing wait staff that come running if you signal for them, but otherwise stay out of your way.

Winning Practice #4:  Don’t assume I don’t know the score.  While some guests only stay at luxury resorts once a year (or less) for special occasions, “power travelers” have ample experience with high-caliber hotels and may even have stayed at your resort before.  As a power traveler, I don’t want to sit through one or more people rattling off standard amenities.  Even less do I want hotel staff pointing out things that are self-evident, such as the bathroom, the fireplace, or the deck (this happened to me as recently as last weekend at a $3,000/night resort).  Every minute I spend being forced to listen to things I don’t care about is a minute I’m not relaxing.  Worst offenders:  bellmen, front desk staff.  Some pointers for vultures:  ask whether I want a briefing before launching into the standard speech.  Kudos to:  Pebble Beach Resorts, for having the wisdom to know the difference.

“Checking in today?” an über-polite attendant asks as I pull up to the security checkpoint of a five star resort.

“Yes, under Kim Palacios,” I confirm with subdued politesse.

Beaming cheerfully as he scans his list, his smile grows impossibly brighter when he finds my name.

“Welcome to the resort, Ms. Palacios.  If you drive up the hill and follow signs to reception, our front desk staff will check you in.”

I thank him, of course, with as enthusiastic a smile as I can muster, and prepare to be on my way.

“Enjoy your stay!” he sings after me, his itchy hand already worrying the walkie-talkie on his desk.

I pass the half-mile drive in abject fear, knowing the next 15 minutes will find me herded, tugged, and talked at by a small army of hotel staff hell-bent on providing “good service”.  My suspicions are confirmed as a kettle of uniformed attendants smile salaciously at my approach.

“Welcome to the resort, Ms. Palacios,” the first one says, reaching for the door of my still-moving car.

A second pops my trunk, while a clipboard-adorned third grins at me from the landing.  I am so busy bracing myself for the assault that I have no time to curse these misguided attempts at customer service.  And, it is too late for flight.  The vultures have descended.

You know what I’m talking about, because it’s happened to you.  The hefty premium you pay to experience the most dazzling destinations in the grandest style is undermined by tranquility-stealing moments such as these.  The resorts, of course, are attempting to show you how astutely they can anticipate your needs.  Yet, if your need is to relax, these predatory practices are doomed fall flat.

Here are a few winning practices that are not as universal as they should be, examples of their worst offenders, and honorable mentions to the resorts that don’t fall into the trap:

Winning Practice #1:  Don’t assume that I want help. I may have a good reason for wanting to carry my own bag, park my own car, make my own arrangements, or exercise any other counterintuitive little quirk.  In other cases, I do want help, but would appreciate space around accepting it.  Resorts that provide great service stay true to the concept of offering—help is yours because you choose to take it, not because they are staunch about giving it.  Worst offenders:  the car valet/bellman duo.  Some pointers for vultures:  wait for instructions for what to take and what not to take before pulling stuff out of my car.  Kudos to:  Solage Calistoga, for a relaxed guest intake process.

Winning Practice #2:  Don’t assume that I need my ego stroked. While some people want most to be fawned over, others want most to be left alone.  The best resorts employ staff members that not only have a good intuitive sense for which they are dealing with, but who take cues and adjust quickly to non-verbal feedback from guests.  Worst offenders:  people who wander over randomly to “make sure I am enjoying my stay”.  Some pointers for vultures:  only come over if you are sure I would relish the attention, or if you are sure the attention is not interruptive.  Kudos to: The Peninsula Chicago, for keeping superfluous interactions to a minimum.

Winning Practice #3:  Curb your wait staff. Just because my drink is almost empty doesn’t mean I am ready to order another one.  Just because my water glass isn’t filled to the brim doesn’t mean I need more.  Same goes for dumping the one cigarette butt in my ashtray, swiping the three breadcrumbs off of my table cloth, and making ordering decisions when I’ve had the menu in my hand for less than two minutes.  The best resorts provide a stress-free environment for enjoying food, drink, and conversation.  Worst offenders:  restaurants with overly-specialized staff (e.g., waiter, food-runner, bus person, bread person, water person, etc.) or too many people to know when guests are over-attended.  Some pointers for vultures:  if I’m still chewing, I’m not done.  Kudos to:  Four Seasons Maui, for employing wait staff that come running if you signal for them, but otherwise stay out of your way.

Winning Practice #4:  Don’t assume I don’t know the score. While some guests only stay at luxury resorts once a year (or less) for special occasions, “power travelers” have ample experience with high-caliber hotels and may even have stayed at your resort before.  As a power traveler, I don’t want to sit through one or more people rattling off standard amenities.  Even less do I want hotel staff pointing out things that are self-evident, such as the bathroom, the fireplace, or the deck (this happened to me as recently as last weekend at a $3,000/night resort).  Every minute I spend being forced to listen to things I don’t care about is a minute I’m not relaxing.  Worst offenders:  bellmen, front desk staff.  Some pointers for vultures:  ask whether I want a briefing before launching into the standard speech.  Kudos to:  Pebble Beach Resorts, for having the wisdom to know the difference.

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